I’m mad
at myself
Today I met a friend, you know, one of these kinds that you see once a year. We don’t have much life in common, we haven’t traveled, partied, or hang out with the same friends, but I like her — which I assume is mutual — and admire her, deeply. She is in the same mess of a degree as I am, but we’re two years apart, which means she has already gone through it.
But we talk and don’t connect. I feel socially unequipped. I am completely unable to respond properly, and there are two reasons for this. The first one being that my confidence is extremely taken away because of how much she impresses me, even if she’s done but the opposite to make me feel this way. The second being that I am laking formation.
And you don’t gain formation through uni, nono. You get that by exposing yourself to people, going to conferences, reading a hell of a lot. I haven’t been doing that. In my defense, I’ve done a hell of a lot of other things and I’ve been dealing with my addiction, which has been extremely time-consuming. But, and this is a big but. Even though it’s a lot, it’s not enough.
Not being enough is something I’ve always struggled with. I’m often thinking of what I could add to my life, unable to underdo. To my defense, when I’m not actively looking out for activities to enroll I get in a shitty mood -sort of depressed- and it feels like shit. So doing a lot is how I make myself the happiest. Yes, I have to learn to do less and be okay with it, but I’m unsure if now it's the time to approach my life like this, or seasons to do so -such as summer-. But now, now I gotta fix this.
I used to assist at, at least, two conferences a week, without it, my degrees lacked the social perspective I craved. These two -often more- conferences gave me the air I needed to breathe. Topics revolved around human rights, migration, feminism, ecology, alternative economy. Honestly, I still don’t know where will I focus my life on, so anything that sparked my interest was good enough.
Here’s the idea I’ve come up with; I should 1) get more information about what I care about and 2) hell, produce more thought-through reflections of it! And I’m sick and tired of just using Medium as a freaking journal -even if sometimes it makes sense and I will still do it in future circumstances-.
How will I get more info? Simple, substitute my binge-watching cravings with recorded conferences -luckily for me, corona times are doing a great job at it-. Listen to them instead of Friends while cooking, cleaning, or tidying up my place. And find out a way to get more information, get Insta if that’s what it takes. And make hang out propositions that include these talks and conferences. I used to that, friends liked it, keep doing it.
Also, in terms of producing, I’ll make myself to publish a political -and seriously contrasted, not just opinion of something I’ve been exposed to- piece every Wednesday (maybe it isn’t consistent because I’m on a publication). I’m in need of growth, and I’ll make this happen.
Love to self,
North
15 Oct 2020
