A letter to my overweight body with 32% fat
It’s been a blast to be together for these last years, but everything comes to an end and we have reached this point in our relationship.
To be completely honest, I didn’t wanned you nor I wasn’t actively looking for you, but I knew you could be a byproduct of my choices. To give some context form the time we started seeing each other, I had had enough of restricting my food intake and I was determined to fix my relationship with food, learn to understand the feeling of “I’m full” and honor it, as well as honoring the desire for pizza and that piece of delicious chocolate.
And we eventually meet. I would love to say that it was amazing and I fell in love with you from the beginning, but I would lie. You were, at times, a challenge. Not soo much because there was something wrong with you, but more because I had it so ingrained in me that our relationship was something to be avoided. To be honest, there was some shame felt.
And it took months, but eventually, bad days became good days and I forgot what it feels like to look in the mirror and feel like shit. I started to look and the mirror and admire you, every opportunity I got, every SHOP DISPLAY, every reflection, every car window we met and I fell a bit more in love with you.
That’s not to say I liked all of you, honestly, it was annoying when, because of you, my things meet and I had to carry baby powder to prevent my inner thighs from going red and eventually bleeding. It was annoying that my breasts weighed about 900 grams (1.98 lbs) each, but damn did we had fun with them, in sex, in dresses, just as gigs in pools when we sank and they floated like two helium balloons, to jiggle them as if they were made of jelly.
I learned to dislike parts of you, acknowledge that feeling and move on, without carrying it around throughout my life. And it was amazing. It stopped feeling like we were lying to ourselves, we would of if I had insisted on like you a hundred percent, and it helped us to grow a stronger relationship based on honesty and love.
Now that I think about it, we never understood our relationship as something permanent. Otherwise, I would have bought you clothes that fit you like a glove and that I enjoyed, but it was part of our relationship to not make it glamorous, to not decorate it, to allow it to be, just as it was, without sugar coding it in any way. And it was an absolute fucking relief not to think about clothes for the first time in 20 years. Learning to be as confident with a suit and heels as I was in wide pants and t-shirts. Yeah, sure, fashion can help you build your confidence but learning to grow that without her help, damn.
You’ve thought me to connect with my body, to feel you, not to look, feel. And I’m keeping that forever.
My own perception, unfortunately, was the easy and fun part. It got harder to protect us from
Our love story has been a challenge, it’s been disapproved and that has always been a hard thing to cope with. But. We have done it. We haven’t gone our separate ways because they kept telling us how wrong we were for each other.
It has impacted us, sure, we have avoided sharing pothos of us together with some family members, we have avoided being seen naked around people that disapproved and enjoyed sharing their unsolicited disagreement. But I deny it was due to shame, we had none to pose in front of the mirror, none to stripped and none to indulge each other through sight and touch.
We just avoided receiving more comments that needed to be handled, cause we already knew how to do it, we weren’t learning shit about such comments.
The funniest comment we used to get was that our relationship wasn’t healthy. Damn. I have never, never taken more care of you. We have never enjoyed sport together as much as we have for these last years. I have never cooked you such delicious meals for you.
I guess they wondered how did we end up with each other if our habits were soo healthy, well there are two things, my endomorph metabolism (amazing system if we were 1845 Irish famine, but shitty for 2020’s body standards) and we basically, when we were meeting, we ate more calories than we consumed, and now, as we consume our relationship, we are eating the same calories we are spending. Quite easy.
And the insistence of letting you go, damn, even after I said I wanned you and I wanted to be with you, there were a lot of people that did not believe me and it sucks and I am sorry.
But baby, overall it’s been a blast. The best thing I could’ve done to expand my “comfort zone” if you may. If I get pregnant no brain cells will need to be consumed with the fear of us meeting again.
Our separation will be slow, I don’t want to do it fast and then meet again and then separate again, slow and steady seems like a better approach, and if we feel like we are going too fast, we will slow it down.
And thanks again since I could have neer learned all of this without you.
Good by for good, always in my heart,